Deployment Emotions: Normal?

First Deployment
Jonathan deployed in March 2010 to Afghanistan. It was my first deployment, his, too. Although he was only gone roughly 4 months, it felt like an eternity. I remember getting the "final phone call" where he told me he was about to board the plane. It's like it was yesterday. I was in my dorm room in bed, my sophomore year in college, and I rolled over and cried until I couldn't anymore. If you don't have anyone in the military, I can't truly describe to you the emotions one goes through. I wasn't sure if I would ever see him again. Needless to say, I didn't go to class that day. It's like all the energy drained right out of me. I didn't feel like I had a purpose, and my mind was over-taken with fear, worry. Every single day, I wanted to be right there with him. I wanted to be in the battlefield, monitoring his every move. I wanted to protect him. I couldn't decide which was worse..not hearing his voice every night before going to sleep (we were only engaged at the time), or waking up with this crushing weight, yet somehow empty feeling, on/in my chest. I think I cried every single day, even if it was just a tear or two.

When he would call, it's like the weight would just lift right off me..I knew he was safe, alive. But the minute we'd hang up, the heavy weight would return, often times even worse. There were a few times that we didn't have any communication for days or weeks at a time; those times, I was at my worst. I had no clue what his "missions" entailed, and I don't think I wanted to. I knew they were dangerous, and that was enough for me.

Jonathan's homecoming was one of the happiest days of my life..being able to hold him in my arms again, kissing him, and knowing that he wasn't going anywhere for a while. As for safety, other than the freak car accidents or plane crashes, I felt the sense of security return.



Second, Current, Deployment
This deployment is different. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know if it's because I've already been through one, or if it's because I've been trusting God more, but I feel an overwhelming, calming peace. I know the danger Jonathan is facing, and I know I should be scared, but this time I'm not wondering if he'll come home alive or in a box. It's like a certainty I feel. Instead of agonizing every day, I'm anticipating them. There's an assurance that he's coming home well. I'm happily ripping off one link of my deployment chain each day, knowing I'm one day closer to seeing him, instead of wondering, "Is this the day something will happen". I don't know if this is normal; anyone else feel this way?

I know it's silly, but I feel guilty for not worrying, like my worry keeps him alive or something.

Every time I get to hear his voice, there is immediate relief; but when we hang up now, I don't fret like I did 2 years ago. I can't explain it, and I have no remedy to make fear go away while facing deployment, BUT, I can tell you that my God is an awesome God. He hears every silent prayer, every cry, every scream and every exclamation of joy. He has given me a peace, and I can't thank Him enough.