It's been a while since I posted on my blog. I wanted to write about a topic I feel a lot of us can relate to..whether we're spouses, family or friends of a soldier. I wanted people to be able to "click" with what I'm writing (for lack of a better word).
I think the title of this post says it all.
I've talked with several others about the guilt we feel when we find relief in the fact that our men are safe and alive while others weren't so fortunate, and I've found that I am not alone. You aren't either! Sadness is first nature when we hear of someone being injured, or even worse, and a lot of the time it hits home. But IT'S OKAY to feel that sweet relief in the midst of someone else's sorrow.
It is only natural to be happy when someone you love is okay, and it shouldn't make you feel bad to BE happy. Maybe not even necessarily happy, but unburdened. I can't tell you how many times I have prayed to God, crying out, "Lord, please keep Jonathan safe! If someone has to die, TAKE ME!" I think we can all agree that we fear for those overseas, and we would be more than willing to take their place if it meant saving them.
I'm just here to be that voice of reasoning. Guilt is meant for someone who has done something wrong..a guilty conscience as they say. Being happy that someone is alive is NOT wrong.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Thou Shalt Not Fear
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7
Maybe God should have made an eleventh commandment that reads, "Thou shalt not fear". Lately I have really been struggling with my fear. The Lord clearly states that fear is not from Him but from His enemy, Satan.
When you have a soldier overseas, whether it be a spouse, family member or even just a great friend, sometimes we can't help but be afraid. We let the unknown control us.
As a Christian, I am called to let God have complete control over my life, and that includes Him having His will done with me and for me. I know the Father is in control of everything happening or not happening in my life, and I have faith that He is being a protective shield for my husband while he is serving in Afghanistan, but sometimes God's will isn't our will.
I pray every single day for the safety of Jonathan and the men he serves with, but I also pray that God's will be done. That's the scary part. I don't know what God's will is. I would like to think that His will is for Jonathan to return home alive and well and in one piece, but that may not be the case.
When this deployment started out, I was so confident in Jonathan's safe return; I had a "sound mind". Now that he's been gone for almost one month, my confidence is wavering. I've been receiving emails every time an incident overseas occurs. Within just one week, 9 soldiers have been injured. When I spoke to Jonathan yesterday, I asked him how close he had been to the first IED explosion that injured 7 soldiers; his response was, "If you only knew how close." That isn't a real confidence boost for an already worrying wife, but I know he has to confide in someone, and I'm glad it's me. It's kind of one of those situations where you want to know everything, but it's probably best if you don't, but you ask anyway and later regret knowing anything at all.
I know things are bad in Afghanistan; I am not blind to the media, but I also know that my God is much, MUCH, bigger than any war this planet has ever seen. Girls, I am asking you to keep me accountable, and maybe I can keep you accountable as well. We need not worry about our men. Our fear is not going to bring them home any sooner, and it won't change the Lord's will. What's going to happen is going to happen, period. So, I am asking you all, anyone who reads my blog, to periodically check in on me and ask how my fear level is. Remember, fear is of the Devil. He plays tricks on our mind, and we must be aware. God is in control, always.
God bless you and your soldier.
2 Timothy 1:7
Maybe God should have made an eleventh commandment that reads, "Thou shalt not fear". Lately I have really been struggling with my fear. The Lord clearly states that fear is not from Him but from His enemy, Satan.
When you have a soldier overseas, whether it be a spouse, family member or even just a great friend, sometimes we can't help but be afraid. We let the unknown control us.
As a Christian, I am called to let God have complete control over my life, and that includes Him having His will done with me and for me. I know the Father is in control of everything happening or not happening in my life, and I have faith that He is being a protective shield for my husband while he is serving in Afghanistan, but sometimes God's will isn't our will.
I pray every single day for the safety of Jonathan and the men he serves with, but I also pray that God's will be done. That's the scary part. I don't know what God's will is. I would like to think that His will is for Jonathan to return home alive and well and in one piece, but that may not be the case.
When this deployment started out, I was so confident in Jonathan's safe return; I had a "sound mind". Now that he's been gone for almost one month, my confidence is wavering. I've been receiving emails every time an incident overseas occurs. Within just one week, 9 soldiers have been injured. When I spoke to Jonathan yesterday, I asked him how close he had been to the first IED explosion that injured 7 soldiers; his response was, "If you only knew how close." That isn't a real confidence boost for an already worrying wife, but I know he has to confide in someone, and I'm glad it's me. It's kind of one of those situations where you want to know everything, but it's probably best if you don't, but you ask anyway and later regret knowing anything at all.
I know things are bad in Afghanistan; I am not blind to the media, but I also know that my God is much, MUCH, bigger than any war this planet has ever seen. Girls, I am asking you to keep me accountable, and maybe I can keep you accountable as well. We need not worry about our men. Our fear is not going to bring them home any sooner, and it won't change the Lord's will. What's going to happen is going to happen, period. So, I am asking you all, anyone who reads my blog, to periodically check in on me and ask how my fear level is. Remember, fear is of the Devil. He plays tricks on our mind, and we must be aware. God is in control, always.
God bless you and your soldier.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Anger on the Homefront
I know as military wives we are supposed to support our husbands in and through every mission the government has them set out on. I know that it is our duty to be happy at home, to keep the children happy (if applicable), the family whole. I know we have no right to be angry with or at our husbands when they're deployed, but that doesn't stop the anger from brewing.
The anger comes from insecurity, and I'm speaking for myself personally. I found myself angry with my husband a few days ago. I was angry that he hadn't called, or even attempted to make contact with me. I started feeling insignificant, like Jonathan didn't care for me. I started thinking that maybe he just didn't want to talk to me. Then I was really angry when the thought, "I'm his wife, and he should have the respect to call me and keep me informed" flew through my mind. "It isn't fair for me to worry day-in and day-out when he doesn't have the decency to communicate with me." I was angry for a little while, until I resolved to checking Facebook. I got on Jonathan's page (because like any good wife I have his password), and I began checking all his friend's pages to see if they had posted anything. I would've been really upset if I'd found that his friends had been posting, but instead I found relief. No one had posted anything for several days, and their lack of social-networking made me feel great.
I thought about it for a little while, and I finally concluded that I am silly and stupid.
Jonathan loves me, and I should never doubt that fact. He wants to talk to me as badly as I want to hear him talk. The emotions us wives go through are so sporadic and uncontrollable that we are truly blessed our husbands stay with us!
I say all that to say this: don't ever doubt the way your husband feels about you, and if you do doubt, ask him how he feels the next time you speak with him. It never hurts to have some reassurance, and if he isn't afraid to tell you how he feels with a bunch of guys around, that should tell you something in and of itself.
Love to you all.
The anger comes from insecurity, and I'm speaking for myself personally. I found myself angry with my husband a few days ago. I was angry that he hadn't called, or even attempted to make contact with me. I started feeling insignificant, like Jonathan didn't care for me. I started thinking that maybe he just didn't want to talk to me. Then I was really angry when the thought, "I'm his wife, and he should have the respect to call me and keep me informed" flew through my mind. "It isn't fair for me to worry day-in and day-out when he doesn't have the decency to communicate with me." I was angry for a little while, until I resolved to checking Facebook. I got on Jonathan's page (because like any good wife I have his password), and I began checking all his friend's pages to see if they had posted anything. I would've been really upset if I'd found that his friends had been posting, but instead I found relief. No one had posted anything for several days, and their lack of social-networking made me feel great.
I thought about it for a little while, and I finally concluded that I am silly and stupid.
Jonathan loves me, and I should never doubt that fact. He wants to talk to me as badly as I want to hear him talk. The emotions us wives go through are so sporadic and uncontrollable that we are truly blessed our husbands stay with us!
I say all that to say this: don't ever doubt the way your husband feels about you, and if you do doubt, ask him how he feels the next time you speak with him. It never hurts to have some reassurance, and if he isn't afraid to tell you how he feels with a bunch of guys around, that should tell you something in and of itself.
Love to you all.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Between Days and Distance
So, Jonathan's first deployment really wasn't all that tough for me in retrospect. It felt like the hardest thing I'd faced in my life at that time, but we really had it easy. I got to talk to him every day, with the exception of his "mission" days.
This deployment, however, I'm hearing from him very rarely. Anyone else experiencing the same? I know, I know, he's been gone barely one week and I'm already complaining. But ya know, it's tough when you go from seeing and talking to a person every single day to not seeing them at all and rarely hearing their voice. It's the days in between talking, Facebooking or Skyping that make deployments really tough. I know for myself personally, I often give myself a 24 hour time frame where I know Jonathan is safe because I "just talked to him". After those 24 hours, a fear can take root inside that makes you wonder if you'll see the men in uniform coming to knock on your door.
It's a bummer when you don't hear from someone you really want to, especially when the person is your best friend. That's what Jonathan is to me, my best friend. Of course I have my girls, but they're on a different relationship level (obviously lol). Jonathan knows me inside and out, and it's wonderful. He knows when I'm mad, sad or just plain worried. And bless him, he knows how to make me laugh when I want to bite his head off! I usually find myself saying, "UGH! *giggle* *giggle* Let me just be mad at you!" Oh, he has my heart.
I know I'm not the only one going through husband withdrawals, and it's comforting in a sad way. It's nice to know that others are facing and feeling the same emotions I am. It's relaxing to know that men are coming home every single day to their wives and families. Even though we don't all know each other, we're bonded in a way "civilian" wives don't understand. When we say we miss our husbands, it isn't meant in the same way a civilian wife misses hers. Most likely she'll see him in a few hours or days. We have to wait months.
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but sometimes distance can cause irreversible damage, too. Distance has caused many wonderful relationships to come crashing down to the ground. It almost had its way with Jonathan and I. Sad but true, we were apart more than we were together. His Basic Training course lasted four months, then he got two weeks home. Mind you, we had only been dating two months prior to him leaving for Basic. During his two weeks home, he proposed. He made it to his duty station (Fort Lewis) in January '10. We saw each other four days out of that month, two weeks in February, then he was deployed in March for four months. He returned home for two weeks in July, then we didn't see each other again until Christmas of that year. After Christmas, we were apart until we were married in May 2011. You do the math.
Distance can bring distrust, change of emotions, feelings and even heart. Only the strong ones make it through, and often times even they struggle.
Don't let distance have its way with you and your spouse. Keep reminding yourself why you love your husband. I know how easy it is to forget. I forgot our first deployment, and I think he did, too. Write down the little things he does that make your heart go pitter-patter. Not necessarily sexual, although it can be those too, but things that make you laugh: cute faces he makes, sounds, the cute way he eats, WHATEVER! Write one thing every day, a list if you will, each day he is gone. It will keep you loving your husband (and even some girls from straying), and by the time he returns, you'll have a list that you can show him that makes him feel appreciated and worth something. Plus, he'll know you really care; believe it or not, some men need to know their women care, too. Us women are sometimes selfish, and we think that we're the ones who always need our husbands to prove they love us, but remember that men have hearts, too.
This deployment, however, I'm hearing from him very rarely. Anyone else experiencing the same? I know, I know, he's been gone barely one week and I'm already complaining. But ya know, it's tough when you go from seeing and talking to a person every single day to not seeing them at all and rarely hearing their voice. It's the days in between talking, Facebooking or Skyping that make deployments really tough. I know for myself personally, I often give myself a 24 hour time frame where I know Jonathan is safe because I "just talked to him". After those 24 hours, a fear can take root inside that makes you wonder if you'll see the men in uniform coming to knock on your door.
It's a bummer when you don't hear from someone you really want to, especially when the person is your best friend. That's what Jonathan is to me, my best friend. Of course I have my girls, but they're on a different relationship level (obviously lol). Jonathan knows me inside and out, and it's wonderful. He knows when I'm mad, sad or just plain worried. And bless him, he knows how to make me laugh when I want to bite his head off! I usually find myself saying, "UGH! *giggle* *giggle* Let me just be mad at you!" Oh, he has my heart.
I know I'm not the only one going through husband withdrawals, and it's comforting in a sad way. It's nice to know that others are facing and feeling the same emotions I am. It's relaxing to know that men are coming home every single day to their wives and families. Even though we don't all know each other, we're bonded in a way "civilian" wives don't understand. When we say we miss our husbands, it isn't meant in the same way a civilian wife misses hers. Most likely she'll see him in a few hours or days. We have to wait months.
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but sometimes distance can cause irreversible damage, too. Distance has caused many wonderful relationships to come crashing down to the ground. It almost had its way with Jonathan and I. Sad but true, we were apart more than we were together. His Basic Training course lasted four months, then he got two weeks home. Mind you, we had only been dating two months prior to him leaving for Basic. During his two weeks home, he proposed. He made it to his duty station (Fort Lewis) in January '10. We saw each other four days out of that month, two weeks in February, then he was deployed in March for four months. He returned home for two weeks in July, then we didn't see each other again until Christmas of that year. After Christmas, we were apart until we were married in May 2011. You do the math.
Distance can bring distrust, change of emotions, feelings and even heart. Only the strong ones make it through, and often times even they struggle.
Don't let distance have its way with you and your spouse. Keep reminding yourself why you love your husband. I know how easy it is to forget. I forgot our first deployment, and I think he did, too. Write down the little things he does that make your heart go pitter-patter. Not necessarily sexual, although it can be those too, but things that make you laugh: cute faces he makes, sounds, the cute way he eats, WHATEVER! Write one thing every day, a list if you will, each day he is gone. It will keep you loving your husband (and even some girls from straying), and by the time he returns, you'll have a list that you can show him that makes him feel appreciated and worth something. Plus, he'll know you really care; believe it or not, some men need to know their women care, too. Us women are sometimes selfish, and we think that we're the ones who always need our husbands to prove they love us, but remember that men have hearts, too.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Deployment Emotions: Normal?
First Deployment
Jonathan deployed in March 2010 to Afghanistan. It was my first deployment, his, too. Although he was only gone roughly 4 months, it felt like an eternity. I remember getting the "final phone call" where he told me he was about to board the plane. It's like it was yesterday. I was in my dorm room in bed, my sophomore year in college, and I rolled over and cried until I couldn't anymore. If you don't have anyone in the military, I can't truly describe to you the emotions one goes through. I wasn't sure if I would ever see him again. Needless to say, I didn't go to class that day. It's like all the energy drained right out of me. I didn't feel like I had a purpose, and my mind was over-taken with fear, worry. Every single day, I wanted to be right there with him. I wanted to be in the battlefield, monitoring his every move. I wanted to protect him. I couldn't decide which was worse..not hearing his voice every night before going to sleep (we were only engaged at the time), or waking up with this crushing weight, yet somehow empty feeling, on/in my chest. I think I cried every single day, even if it was just a tear or two.
When he would call, it's like the weight would just lift right off me..I knew he was safe, alive. But the minute we'd hang up, the heavy weight would return, often times even worse. There were a few times that we didn't have any communication for days or weeks at a time; those times, I was at my worst. I had no clue what his "missions" entailed, and I don't think I wanted to. I knew they were dangerous, and that was enough for me.
Jonathan's homecoming was one of the happiest days of my life..being able to hold him in my arms again, kissing him, and knowing that he wasn't going anywhere for a while. As for safety, other than the freak car accidents or plane crashes, I felt the sense of security return.
Second, Current, Deployment
This deployment is different. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know if it's because I've already been through one, or if it's because I've been trusting God more, but I feel an overwhelming, calming peace. I know the danger Jonathan is facing, and I know I should be scared, but this time I'm not wondering if he'll come home alive or in a box. It's like a certainty I feel. Instead of agonizing every day, I'm anticipating them. There's an assurance that he's coming home well. I'm happily ripping off one link of my deployment chain each day, knowing I'm one day closer to seeing him, instead of wondering, "Is this the day something will happen". I don't know if this is normal; anyone else feel this way?
I know it's silly, but I feel guilty for not worrying, like my worry keeps him alive or something.
Every time I get to hear his voice, there is immediate relief; but when we hang up now, I don't fret like I did 2 years ago. I can't explain it, and I have no remedy to make fear go away while facing deployment, BUT, I can tell you that my God is an awesome God. He hears every silent prayer, every cry, every scream and every exclamation of joy. He has given me a peace, and I can't thank Him enough.
Jonathan deployed in March 2010 to Afghanistan. It was my first deployment, his, too. Although he was only gone roughly 4 months, it felt like an eternity. I remember getting the "final phone call" where he told me he was about to board the plane. It's like it was yesterday. I was in my dorm room in bed, my sophomore year in college, and I rolled over and cried until I couldn't anymore. If you don't have anyone in the military, I can't truly describe to you the emotions one goes through. I wasn't sure if I would ever see him again. Needless to say, I didn't go to class that day. It's like all the energy drained right out of me. I didn't feel like I had a purpose, and my mind was over-taken with fear, worry. Every single day, I wanted to be right there with him. I wanted to be in the battlefield, monitoring his every move. I wanted to protect him. I couldn't decide which was worse..not hearing his voice every night before going to sleep (we were only engaged at the time), or waking up with this crushing weight, yet somehow empty feeling, on/in my chest. I think I cried every single day, even if it was just a tear or two.
When he would call, it's like the weight would just lift right off me..I knew he was safe, alive. But the minute we'd hang up, the heavy weight would return, often times even worse. There were a few times that we didn't have any communication for days or weeks at a time; those times, I was at my worst. I had no clue what his "missions" entailed, and I don't think I wanted to. I knew they were dangerous, and that was enough for me.
Jonathan's homecoming was one of the happiest days of my life..being able to hold him in my arms again, kissing him, and knowing that he wasn't going anywhere for a while. As for safety, other than the freak car accidents or plane crashes, I felt the sense of security return.
Second, Current, Deployment
This deployment is different. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know if it's because I've already been through one, or if it's because I've been trusting God more, but I feel an overwhelming, calming peace. I know the danger Jonathan is facing, and I know I should be scared, but this time I'm not wondering if he'll come home alive or in a box. It's like a certainty I feel. Instead of agonizing every day, I'm anticipating them. There's an assurance that he's coming home well. I'm happily ripping off one link of my deployment chain each day, knowing I'm one day closer to seeing him, instead of wondering, "Is this the day something will happen". I don't know if this is normal; anyone else feel this way?
I know it's silly, but I feel guilty for not worrying, like my worry keeps him alive or something.
Every time I get to hear his voice, there is immediate relief; but when we hang up now, I don't fret like I did 2 years ago. I can't explain it, and I have no remedy to make fear go away while facing deployment, BUT, I can tell you that my God is an awesome God. He hears every silent prayer, every cry, every scream and every exclamation of joy. He has given me a peace, and I can't thank Him enough.
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